(attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky)

1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."



2. "Gots a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line:

   "I gots a good woman, (harmonica fleedle)
   with the meanest dog in town."

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of:

   Gots a good woman with the meanest dog in town.
   He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weigh 'bout 500 pound.

4. The blues are not about limitless choice or opportunity.



5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation: Greyhound bus or southbound trains. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.



6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.



7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.



8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
   
   
   • violet
   • beige
   • mauve


9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is all wrong.



10. Good places for the Blues:
    
    
    • the highway
    • the jailhouse
    • the empty bed


11. Bad places:
    
    
    • Pottery Barn
    • Gallery openings
    • weekend in the Hamptons


12. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.



13. Do you have the right to sing the blues?
    
    Yes, if:
    • your first name is a southern state--like Georgia
    • you're blind
    • you shot a man in Memphis
    • you can't be satisfied
    
    No, if:
    • you were once blind but now can see
    • you're deaf
    • you have a trust fund
    
    
14. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.



15. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are:
    
    
    • "wine" (in the class of: Night Train, Red Lady 21, Ripple)
    • Irish whiskey
    • muddy water
    
    
16. Blues beverages are NOT:
    
    
    • Any mixed drink
    • Any wine kosher for Passover
    • Yoo Hoo (all flavors)


17. If occuring in a cheap motel, bar, under a bridge or in a shack behind the truck stop, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room.
    
    It is not a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.



18. Some Blues names for Women:
    
    
    • Sadie
    • Big Mama
    • Bessie


19. Some women's names NOT for the blues:
    
    
    • Muffy
    • Amanda
    • Any name given by Frank Zappa


20. Some Blues Names for Men:
    
    
    • Joe
    • Willie
    • Little Willie
    • Lightnin'


21. Some mens names NOT for the blues:
    
    
    • Scooter
    • Jose (or Hose B)
    • Name of any member of congress (exception Jesse)


22. Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.



23. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit, add your own here)
    
    
    • [Adjective] Physical characteristic or infirmity: Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic, Smilin'
    • Name of fruit: Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, Melon, or nocturnal animal: Bat, Owl, Possum
    • Last Name of President: Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.
    
    Mix and Match